I've often wanted to die. Oct. 1st I lost my daddy. He's the most important person in my life. Ther person I've loved most of all and the only one I felt has ever loved me. Lately I've been wanting to die. I've thought about death several times a day. I even wanted to kill myself off before New Years because I didn't want to live another year in this miserable life. Life is unfair! Life is cruel! Life is a game without any rules, and one we're destined to loose. But the question is, how far will you stay in the game? Will you give up by the first round? Or will you keep trying to win, advancing in stages, and collecting the prizes? Sure there may be cards that send you backwards and others that cause some harm, but will you keep playing anyways and give it you all? If you really think about it, when it's all said and done, living is all we have left. Fighting to live is the only thing we actually have control over! You can let those dark feelings get the best of you and kill yourself off, but ultimately, you're the one loosing. If you let those feelings win, you loose! You loose your life and you've let yourself be controlled. Everyday some of us make a conscious descision-kill myself or live another day. For those of you who are still here, you're winning! You're taking control of your own life and you're beating those dark feelings. They try to control you but please don't let them! I've often wished for death! Prayed for it! Fantasized of way to die! But recently I came to the conclusion that I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE!!! I JUST WANT TO HE HAPPY!!! Killing m yself wouldn't make me happy...I'd be dead! Killing myself would just bring more pain to those around me. Plus my life is miserable enough without me darkening someone else's life. What would happen to the person who ofund my dead body? They'd be traumatized! Do I really want to be responsible for damaging another human being. I've suffered enough in life. I don't want to hurt anyone else!
We can loose our jobs, we can loose out homes, we can loose our money, we can loose our hair, we can loose control of our feelings/emotions, in some situations we may not even be able to control our acctions, we can loose those we love most, we can loose everything we have, but we can never loose our ability to fight! We have no control over anything at all in this game of life! We're just pawns in the game. Not kings and queens, or even bishops and rooks. We're nothing but little pawns! But sometimes the pawns play great roles! Life deals us misery and pain, to some more than others. But there can also be happiness lurking out in the depths waiting to be found. But in order to find it, you have to go out there and get it. The only choice you have in life is living! That's the only thing you can control! So I ask you all to join me in taking control of our lives and fighting to live. Not necessarily because life is always happy, or because you feel you want to live at the moment. You might feel so low you want to die. But I ask you all to continue living and keep fighting to survive. Why? Because it's the ONLY choice you have! It's the ONLY life you have! You won't get another chance if you die! It's the ONLY thing you can control! So what other option do we have?
Today I woke up really sad, yet determined to fight and continue living. I wanted to try and inspire you all, and hopefully I have, but I just found out my grandmother died! She'd been in ICU since mid Nov. and today 1/1/11 she died! (The 1st of th emonth seems to be a very unlucky day for me!!! people keep dying on that day! WTF?! I'll try to stay away from danger and be xtra alert on those days! juuust incase!) I didn't think she'd make it to New Years. But like always she made herself known! She was not a person you could ignore! She would yell and complain and people would try to ignore the comments BUT ohhh she made herself known! She could never be ignored and she will never be forgotten! Especially since she died right on New Years! She got sick and got infections while in the hospital. Her breathing was really bad and the doctors wanted to to put tubes in her throat and stomache. My aunts and uncles weren't sure about this because she'd never be able to eat and she'd have a hole in her throat and she might die anyways so why put her through extra pain? She was still lucid and they asked her and she said she wanted to LIVE! She didn't care about the pain, she wanted them to do whatever was necessary to let her live! She could have said NO I'm in too much pain, I don't want more pain, just please let me die. BUT NO! She said she wanted to live no matter what!! And really that was the only descision she had left! She couldn't choose treatments, she couldn't wish the illness away. The only choice she had left was 1)do whatever it takes to TRY to live even though it was clear she would not be getting out of the hospital or 2)give up and die. She chose to LIVE! And that was ultimately her last descision in life! There were no meals, she was fed through tubes in her stomach. There was NOTHING for her to choose NOTHING for her to do! She couldn't even really move! Afterwards she couldn't speak with a hole in her throat. Then she wouldn't even wake up from all the meds and everything. The ONLY thing her body had a choice in was choosing to live!!
I'll end this extremely long post here with one more thing. I want you all to make a pact with me! Promise that you will take control of your life and fight the only fight you can win. And that is making the descision to live! Because remember- It's the ONLY thing YOU have control over!
Happy New Years to you all! I declare this year the year of survival! No matter what happens, pick yourself up and try again and again and again, as many times as you have to and choose to SURVIVE!!
Love you all! I'm so greatful to have met so many wonderful people here!
xoxoxoxoxo
Rose
ro28
with those sentiments to the fore, i bid u be careful on the first =D
as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)